Guard Your Chips, Because Someone Just Stole A Truck Carrying $35,000 Worth Of Dips And Salsa

If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk, and if you give a moose a muffin, he’ll want some jam to go with it. But following the theft of two transport trucks on September 27, there are a few thieves out there with about $35,000 worth of stolen dips and salsas and no way to eat them, CTV News reports. So if you have a stash of chips and happen to live near Essex County, Ontario, keep an eye on them. These thieves could be coming for your crunchy dip-delivery devices next.

Why thieves would steal dips and salsas, in Canada of all places, isn’t entirely clear. Nor is it clear exactly which dips and salsas were stolen. Regardless of the brand and spice level, though, they’re probably going to be pretty hard to move. $35,000 worth of dips and salsas is a whole lot of dips and salsas, and selling them out of the back of a van in a grocery store parking lot would take forever. Plus, Canadians aren’t traditionally known for their spice tolerance. Unless Ontario authorities can track these thieves down and get them to talk, we may never know what their goal was here.

That said, we do know the cops are saying a four-door Jeep Wrangler Rubicon that was spotted nearby may have been involved. Well, technically, CBC News referred to it as a “Jeep Rubicon,” but based on the photo provided, I think we can all agree that’s a Wrangler we’re looking at. Unfortunately for the Ontario Provincial Police, if people start calling in every gray, four-door Wrangler they see around Ontario, they might not have time to investigate any other crimes.

Read more: What Happened To The First Corvette Ever Made?

A pattern of thefts

The transport truck full of dips and salsas wasn’t the only truck the thieves allegedly hit recently. Another truck was also reportedly stolen and later recovered without its trailer or cargo. CTV News doesn’t say what was in the stolen trailer, but I’m choosing to believe it was a bunch of corn chips. At least that way, Ontario residents don’t have to worry as much about the safety of their Fritos Scoops.

Unfortunately for those living in and around Essex County, the news report embedded above suggests these two stolen trucks are part of a larger pattern of crime, since four tractor-trailers have been stolen in the last four months. The items stolen during the thefts don’t appear to follow a specific pattern, with previous hauls including whiskey and beef. If you ask me, that sounds like a local crime boss who loves to buy steal in bulk and simply hates paying taxes, if you ask safety analyst Chris Lewis (like CTV News did), that probably isn’t the case.

According to Lewis, it’s possible the thieves stealing these trucks are big-leaguers with the contacts needed to move whatever they steal. He also suggests the thieves may try to offload their salsas and dips at “places like weekend bazaars and little stops on the side of the road that sell fruit and vegetables.” And honestly, I hope it’s the latter. Just a couple of truck thieves setting up at their local farmer’s market, selling salsas and dips like they made them themselves. Slowly chipping away at the massive stockpile they have back at Truck Crime HQ. Maybe making a few friends in the local community. Starting to consider possibly going straight and starting up a little hobby farm.

It could be a good life. They’ve just gotta move tens of thousands of dollars of hot salsa without getting caught, and maybe then it’ll be time to leave it all behind.

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